While you love the fact that he cares about his family, getting him to understand that there needs to be a balance is not an easy task. So for those of you that have brick walls for boyfriends, here are some valid points for him to consider:

This is not about choosing sides. Even though it may seem like that’s what you’re ultimately asking him to do, don’t tell him to choose sides. It automatically puts him in a more awkward situation and if provoked enough, he won’t choose you. His family will always be his family whether you’re in the picture or not. Understand that first and things will be a lot easier to manage.

A woman wants a man. This is pretty much self-explanatory. If a man constantly consults his family, especially his mother, for every small thing or won’t respectfully create boundaries, it makes it look like he can’t make a decision on his own or be his own man. Trust me, no woman is looking for a boy who is trying to pretend like he’s a man.

Like bras, women need some support. Combining the family dynamic with your romantic one is stressful by nature. If the relationship is long-term, a woman likes to know that her man has her back in situations that may not be easy, especially when dealing with difficult family members. If a man constantly fails to find compromise and ends up leaving his woman to fend for herself, she’ll feel like she has no support. Does a man need to fight all his woman’s battles? No. But when she’s trying to tread the waters of dealing with his family, he needs to show that he’ll help her stay afloat, not drown.

We can do things your family can’t. Unless you’re into that sick type of thing where you’re messing around with family, I think you get my drift. Keep leaving her by herself and she’ll make sure you’re doing it by yourself.

Men, please understand this: a reasonable woman is not asking you to disrespect your family. She is simply asking you to effectively find a way to respect her and make her feel like she is just as important even when family is around. Dealing with family and significant others can be a tricky thing, but what you do or fail to do will seriously affect all relationships involved. So if you’re a family man and she is a woman that has proved that she is worthy to you, make sure that you can cut the apron strings before she cuts you loose.

Father’s Day was this Sunday and while it was a day to celebrate the fathers, grandfathers, uncles, and father figures, many people saw the day as an opportunity to discuss the plight of fatherhood. The issue of absentee fathers is no secret, but somehow fathers that are present in their children’s lives is like a secret society. In an article by Barbara Kay, it openly discusses the cultural disrespect for do-good fathers from the court system. As a child of a father that dealt with a judicial system that was not on his side despite his great parenting skills, I can attest that the scales are sometimes unfairly tipped to mothers no matter how unfit of a parent they may be. No matter how good a father a man may be to his children, it is an uphill battle as mothers are sometimes given an advantage in the court system. I applaud Ms. Kay’s efforts in presenting the other side of the situation and hope that as a society we do more to recognize, respect, and encourage these men. Let’s not wait one Sunday out of the year to celebrate them. To read Kay’s article, click here.

Side chicks are women that are knowingly (or sometimes unknowingly) involved with men that are in relationships. A side chick is in the picture usually because the man’s girlfriend or wife can’t or won’t do certain things to keep him happy; therefore the side chick can be his outlet. In a side chick situation, a promise of a commitment down the line is few and far between. More often than not, it’s known from the start that the time spent with a side chick is limited and romance is not an option in any case.  While I personally think that every woman deserves a committed relationship that’s free from homewreckers, those who knowingly commit to side chick deals have some very strict and unfair rules to follow. Unfortunately, as simple as it seems not every side chick follows the rules. So  before I go any further, here are some guidelines.

1. Don’t call during regular business hours or family time. Stick to calling at late-night hours. If he was dumb enough to give you his home phone number, you under no circumstances are allowed to call the house.

2. You will never spend time with him on holidays so take the 4th of July, Christmas, Memorial Day and Valentine’s Day off your calendar. Matter of fact, don’t look forward to spending time with him on Halloween, Labor Day, and Thanksgiving either.

3. You’ll never meet his family so stop asking to come to the family cookout or Sunday dinner. Oh, and before you ask, no, you will never take the place of the main girlfriend or wife so don’t try to compete…you’ll never win.

4. He won’t ask you open-ended questions that show concern like “what happened at work today?” or “what’s wrong?” However, you better be on call if he has a problem or wants to talk.

5. Keep yourself in shape. You never know when you’ll have to climb out of the window and go down a fire escape because the Mrs. came home from work early.

6. You must remain faithful to your already taken man. What? You thought you were gonna have a full-on relationship, too?

7. Don’t be like paparazzi and start taking a whole bunch of pictures and videos of you two together. It defeats the purpose of your role as a side chick and serves as evidence against him.

8. You will never spend the night. Know where your clothes are so you can put them on after it’s over and get out!

9. Never say the L word. You’ll never hear it back.

10. Use protection at all times. Trapping him with a baby never works out for you or the kid and if the situation fails, a broken heart won’t be the only thing you’ll have….you might have an STD too.

In the end, side chicks, homewreckers, or whatever you want to call them never prosper. If you are comfortable cheating with someone, chances are they’ll cheat on you. As I said before, side chick rules are strict and unfair, but the beautiful thing about life is that everyone has a choice. If you feel that you’re being cheated out of a full relationship by reducing yourself to being a side chick, then get off the sidelines.

Now I know that’s a strange analogy, but let me explain. A pretty car with an F’d up engine looks pretty enough to ride but in the end, it can’t get you anywhere and that can be applied to guys (and girls too if there are men out there reading this). I’d be lying if I said that looks aren’t an important factor when dating. The first thing you’re probably going to determine when dating is how attractive a guy is.  The problem with this is it’s often the only thing that’s determined. For all you know, he could be a self-absorbed dude with limited conversation and an extensive number of kids , baby mamas or worse. If you don’t take the time to determine what really matters, then his good looks (and good sex if it applies) will be the only thing that he has to offer and the relationship won’t make any real moves.

It’s very easy to fall for these kinds of guys because like Christmas presents, it’s wrapped up in shiny packaging. However, once you peel away the layers, there’s not much to be excited about. As hard as it may be ladies, take the blinders off and get to know the person behind the handsomeness. Does it mean you have to grill him to find out if he’s marriage material? No. It just means that it wouldn’t hurt to make sure the guy has some substance to him. Does he has aspirations that he’s working towards? Does it seem like he has a set of values and manners? Does he pick up a newspaper and read current events? Whatever you feel qualifies as substance, check under the hood and make sure that engine is functional.

By ANNIE PAUL–So, one day, I had a craving for banana bread. As I was looking up the recipe for it, I realized I had everything in the house for it which emphasized my desire to make it. I had made it once before and it was dry. So I thought a glaze (which penetrates through) and the addition of honey would help. It did! It was very moist and delicious – the best I ever made!

Ingredients:

2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup butter
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon honey
2 eggs, beaten
2 1/3 cups mashed overripe bananas

Glaze Ingredients:
3 tablespoons brown sugar
1 tablespoon water

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease a 9×5 inch loaf pan.
2. In a large bowl, combine flour, baking soda and salt. In a separate bowl, cream together butter and brown sugar.
3. Stir in eggs and mashed bananas until well blended. Stir banana mixture into flour mixture; stir just to moisten.
4. Pour batter into prepared loaf pan.
5. Bake in preheated oven for 60 to 65 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into center of the loaf comes out clean.
6. Let bread cool in pan for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack.
7. When cooled, mix the brown sugar and the water and brush the top of the bread with the glaze.
8. Let it harden before serving.

In addition to her contributions to SENSE + SENSUALITY, Annie Paul is a grad student, a worker bee, and a full-time foodie beast. 

I am a firm believer in every person having a purpose in life. Every single person has a unique attribute that if nurtured can be one’s true calling. Around this time 2 years ago, I graduated from college. Armed with my hopes, dreams, and new diploma with a hefty price tag, I was ready to apply my textbook education to the corporate world. However, in all of my excitement I never took the time to figure out what I truly enjoyed doing. I never pinpointed my interests, strengths, and weaknesses. Because of it, I fell in and out of love with different career paths but all wasn’t lost. During this process, I was able to look in the mirror and do some real assessment on myself and where I wanted to be. It wasn’t easy but in the end I was able to begin a career path that is now meaningful, clear, and all my own. The great news is that you can have one of your own, too!

No two paths are the same so when trying to find a meaningful career, the first step is to sit down and think about what really moves you other than a nice paycheck. Having money to afford a lifestyle that you want is great, but it shouldn’t be the sole motivator for the career that you choose. With every career comes a sacrifice like free time and your personal life so if you’re just in it for the money then it’s not really worth it in the long run. So think about the activities that you enjoy doing…for free.

Second, take your personality into account when choosing your dream career. If you’re a person that enjoys being around a lot of people, a career that confines you to a cubicle and computer is not for you. If you’re more of a thinker and value logic, then a career that relies on empathy and feelings is definitely not for you. Your personality is the core of who you are so your career should be best suited for it. To determine what your personality type is, complete the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test. This test which was developed by Katharine Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers in the 1940s can determine your personality type based on four dimensions developed by Carl Jung: how your interact or get energy with the world (introversion or extraversion), how you perceive information (sensing or intuition), how you prefer to make decisions (thinking or feeling), and how you adapt to the external world (perception or judgment). There are sixteen personality types, so it’s complex yet simple enough that you should find your type. If you want to take the free version of the test, click here.

Another way to determine your purposeful career is to figure out your actual purpose. Careers can be vehicles to achieving positive changes in your community, state, or even the world so it’s worth devoting some thought to how that ties into your aspirations. When your career can help someone else or contribute to a cause bigger than yourself, it oftentimes adds to your fulfillment.

In addition to me being a firm believer in every person having a purpose in life, I also believe that every person has a gift or natural affinity for something. Maybe you’re good at writing, cooking, influencing a lot of people, making people laugh, you get my drift. If you can turn something you’re good at into a career, that is definite bonus. As the Joker said in The Dark Knight, “if you’re good at something never do it for free.” If you’re not exactly sure about what you’re good at, enlist the help of your friends and family and they’ll give you an honest opinion…I hope. Just remember that whatever it is you’re good at, nurture that skill even more.

The road to your dream career can be one that’s long and unpredictable, but that’s the beauty of it. Life is short and meant to be lived purposefully. So use your talents, find out more about yourself, and take the road less traveled.

By ANNIE PAUL–Recently my company had a bake sale to raise money for American soldiers in Afghanistan. Instead of making the same old cupcakes with the cake mix from the box, I made dulce de leche cupcakes with dulce de leche frosting and salted caramel topping from scratch. This sweet recipe is sure to be a hit at any bake sale or event!

Ingredients:

1½ cups (7.2 ounces) all-purpose flour
1½ cups (6 ounces) cake flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
¼ teaspoon baking soda
12 tablespoons (1½ sticks) unsalted butter, softened
1⅓ cup (9.33 ounces) granulated sugar
¾ teaspoon salt
½ cup dulce de leche
4 large eggs, at room temperature
¼ cup canola oil
2 teaspoon vanilla extract
¾ cup buttermilk, room temperature

Frosting:
1/3 cup butter
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 pound (3 1/2 cups) confectioners sugar, sifted if it’s organic or visible lumps
3 to 4 tablespoons milk or light cream, or to make smooth and spreadable
1/3 cup of dulce de leche

Topping:
Fleur de lis caramel sauce from Trader Joe’s. (You can drizzle it on top.)

Instructions:

Cupcakes:
1. Adjust an oven rack to the idle position; heat the oven to 350 degrees. Line 24 muffin wells with paper cups. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flours, baking powder, and baking soda.

2. In a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment (or a large bowl if using a hand-held mixer), beat the butter, sugar, and salt on medium speed until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes, scraping down the sides of the bowl as necessary. With the mixer running, gradually add the dulce de leche; beat another minute, until thoroughly incorporated. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition, then mix in the oil and vanilla. Reduce the mixer speed to low; add the dry ingredients in three additions, alternating with the buttermilk and ending with the dry ingredients. Beat each addition just until incorporated.

3. Divide the batter between the prepared muffin cups, filling each cup about two-thirds full. Bake for 16-20 minutes, until a toothpick
inserted into the center of a cupcake comes out clean. Transfer the pan to a wire rack to cool. Remove the cupcakes from the pan after 5 minutes. Cool completely before frosting.

Frosting:
Beat the cream butter, salt, and vanilla with an electric mixer until light and fluffy. Add the confectioners’ sugar gradually, beating
after each addition. Add 3 tablespoons milk or light cream, beating until smooth. Beat in more milk until desired spreading consistency is reached and the frosting is spreadable. Makes about 2 1/3 cups of frosting. Frost cupcakes after they have completely cooled.

In addition to her contributions to SENSE + SENSUALITY, Annie Paul is a grad student, a worker bee, and a full-time foodie beast. 

Basketball Wives star Tami Roman (right)

Recently, I read a wonderful book by Sophia A. Nelson called Black Woman Redefined: Dispelling Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama. Unlike like many other books that dissect and analyze black womanhood in today’s society, this book was written by a black woman. Nelson not only discusses the many issues that plague the black female community, she also provides some effective solutions with the help of contributing interviewees. One issue that she brought up was how black women relate to one another. It’s no secret that there’s been some girl-on-girl animosity in the black community and with shows like Basketball Wives and Real Housewives of Atlanta, it’s no wonder why this is such a hot-button topic.

These reality shows are used as an unofficial form of reference to the world about us. In turn, black women are (unfairly) generalized as loud, angry, bitter, neck-rolling, fighting b****es to the third power. We don’t take any mess from anybody and we’re quick to shut it down. We throw down in the street and will tell a person where the hell he/she can go and how to go get there. Unfortunately, this badge is not one of honor, it’s one of embarrassment. The constant “discussions” that turn into plate/glass/champagne bottle throwing brawls are no longer amusing and it’s starting to cause sponsors to pull out of shows like Basketball Wives and its upcoming  spinoff, Ev & Ocho (read the article here).  And while this is going on we have teenage girls and grown women thinking this behavior is acceptable and young upwardly mobile women carrying this unwanted label of “b****es to the third power.”

The first question I want to ask any of these women is is it that serious? Does a slight from another person always warrant a physical fight? Does giving a person a piece of your mind matter that much to you? Clearly it doesn’t. As I recall Mo’Nique saying to one young lady at a Flavor of Love reunion special, “they’re watching us” and they are everyone no matter the race, gender,  or religion. The spotlight is on us in more ways than one and it’s up to us to put our best foot forward. As they say, perception is reality and if you don’t believe that, you’re in for a rude awakening. You are a walking resume of beliefs and values and most people need only a few seconds to read you. My advice: if you are slighted, don’t go off. If a friend or associate does something wrong, don’t berate or threaten them. There are better ways of getting your point across without flipping on the b***h switch;  find them and use them. Remember this: being a b***h to the the third power is easy, but being a woman takes real effort.

When you think of R&B crooner Brian McKnight, you usually think  of smooth and sexy R&B that’s appropriate for a romantic evening…not the ratchet, hot-butt nekkid-sex (HBNS) filled music that infiltrates the airwaves on a regular basis. Well it looks as if Mr. McKnight decided to dabble in the latter mentioned arena when he took to Twitter the other day to ask his fans’ opinions about doing an adult mixtape. After choosing sex as the focus of the mixtape, he recorded a video on YouTube previewing a potential single called “If You’re Ready to Learn.” I was expecting something sexy yet tasteful; instead, I listened to a song with a soft melody and a chorus that goes, Let me show you how your p***y works / Bet you didn’t know that it could squirt/ I have lots of things to show you / If you’re ready to learn. My first reaction after that line was “dude cannot be serious!” I know that sex is not always romantic; it can be on the raunchy side,  hence the term hot-butt-nekkid-sex (HBNS) but this song is just all wrong. It’s like watching your drunk uncle sing “You Remind Me of My Jeep” at the family picnic which is the epitome of embarrassing. In any event, it’s safe to say this song won’t be on any of my playlists unless it’s strictly for laughs. If you haven’t seen the video, take a peek here and give your verdict!

By ANNIE PAUL– The perfect Sunday brunch – crepes. The best part is that it acts as a blank palate. It can be savory or sweet. I chose mine to be sweet